| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|08:40 pm] |
ok so best news ever u know it sounds sketchy becuase i was talking baouthtis guiy named luke a week ago but he was in ohio and there is no way thaty would ever work out. i had a great time with him and all but , there no use in wasting emotion on somehting that would never work out. so i am the happiest person alive becuase of my new man. his name is adam hes 26 and hes amazing. every thing baout him is just - all i could ever want., i cant believe i found him. seriously now. any way i life hasnt been this good in a long ass time! i lvoe evry one.
XoX
anna banana <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|03:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | its been a while - staind | ] |
every thing is so exciting. i have totaly kicked ass up here. i acctually really like it here. i dont really wanna go back hope . THERE IS NO DRAMA HERE. everything is so laid back and chill. there are no worries here. i get up do my chorces and fucking kick back the rest of the day. i have painted i have made t-shirts, i made 2 purses, ive done my nail. i am getting air extensions and what they look like is a hug secret. no one knows and its gunna be crazy. ibought them yesterday. the were $96 and it coast a lil more to put them in but i dont care im going to have long. . . . hair. any way i have made a shit loads of friends up here i went outto the fair and this one girl was talking shit and was like "i could take the punk ass bitch. she aint nothin." and as i looked at her and said 'Excuse me" this man i mean MAN walked up wjho must have known the girls stook up for me he said to them " brittany get the fuck out of here no one likes you, your just jealous" then looks at me and introduces himself. he was like "hello, im Luke. sorry about those bitches" i just kinda stood there and looked for a second. Hes 19. 6'2 and built like no other. when i finally said somehting. i was like "im anna. . . and i want to have your children" we both started laughing . then we hung out the whole time. he has his tougne pierced man. he was an angel i fuking swear it but they cool thing is i can give the angel a fucking jinngle any time i want. he lives 5 miles down the road from aunt carla. OMG. any way i made friends. BUT I MISS MY REAL FRIENDS!!!! im coming back soon.
XoX
anna banana <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|02:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | from first to last | ] |
This place is a bloodbath
And won't be taken alive
We stand alone
Under fictitious skies
You were always my enemy and carefully crafted my demise
Our hearts beat strong under fictitious skies
You were always my enemy, suck the life out of me
Your words are deadly weapons
Killing me, destroying me
Your words are deadly weapons
Scatter my brains across the wall
You were my compass
Leading me to nowhere fast
Promises were lonely roads
I followed you down like a map
You were always my enemy and carefully crafted my demise
Our hearts beat strong under fictitious skies
You were always my enemy, suck the life out of me
Your words are deadly weapons
Killing me, destroying me
Your words are deadly weapons
Scatter my brains across the wall
Fuck you
Secrets don't make friends
Secrets don't make...
Your words are deadly weapons
Killing me, destroying me
Your words are deadly weapons
Killing me, destroying me
Your words are deadly weapons
Scatter my brains across the wall
Secrets don't make friends
just a song that has been stuck in my head for days. From first to last - secrests dont make friends. any way live is okay out here. i like it better here than i do back home. but saddly enough home is where my heart is. AMANDA !!!! i miss you so much dude. COREY!!!! i need a corey hug so bad. and it sucks becuase i got antoher week or so left.
XoX
anna banana <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2005|04:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chasing my tail | ] |
| [ | music |
| | fall out boy - patrent saint of liars and fakes | ] |
I AM ALIVE!!!!!!!! wow anyone who wants to there the stroy can ask me when i get home. any way thingsd are rockin up here i love this counrty livin. but i miss my friends and my bed. acctually i really like this bed, but youget what i mean. i am having culture shock up here. i sont fit in at all and every one thinks im going to summen the fucking devil. but the other people up here the good ol' country folk. omg they are my heros. if i was raised here i would fucking own this town. but like i said i have toerh things on my mind. im really worried about my fiends man. i can see them. i can help them. all i can do is sit here on my ass every other day and type in a box what i think could help them. its not the same as being a arm to cry on a a voice to sooth you. i knwo . becuase i dont have either of those ever really and it sucks!! my head is going crazy with thoughts and my heart woith feelings. i get to see so many thing inside me when im here. you knwo why.. there is NO DRAMA. none. just me and the outside babes, my head is clearing up becuas ei can deal with my shit, no one elses. all my anger i put to work and at the end of the day i feel awesome. and i get to see who i really miss and the sad thing is there only. . . 4 poepl and becuase i missyou all so much i want you to knwo who you are. AMANDA!!!!!HANNAH!!!!!COREY!!!!EMILY!!! i love you all and miss you so fucking much. i send love !!
XoX
anna banana <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 2nd, 2005|12:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disgusted/edgy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sound of crickets | ] |
ok update on what anna has done the last 2 days. i have rode a lawnmoer and cut a huge ass feild. i have weeded a gigantic garden, cleaned out dog kennels, helped fix the truck and you knwo what i am doin tomorrow, i bet you wwont guess. . . . . . .. . . . .. well. i am FUCKING CLIBING A TREE WITH A CHAINSAW TO CUT BRANCHES DOWN!!!! yes you herd me right. tomorrow is my D.O.D ( date of death ).but the kool thing is if i live through the deadly task tomorrow, i get to learn to shoot a shotgun, riffel, and a pistel on thursday!!! helllzz yeah that hella gansta. and on sunday i get to go to church, that will go over real well. i am in the green hills of hell where evry one goes to church and if you wear black twice a week your the devil . . .so i guess when i walk in there im either one going to get shot or two give at least 5 lil ol' ladies a heart attack. any way love you all.
XoX
anna banana <3 |
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| 2 weeks @ the hell inn |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|10:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  missing the 1's i <3 | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the used - yesterdays feelings | ] |
so im leaving for 2 weeks up to ohio at my aunts farm. i can see it now, anna in her overalls and heavy black eyeliner shoveling dog shit a powing the fields. what a time i am going to have!!! but a promise is a promise what can i say. i passed up a job at hot topic so ic ould keep this promise and i have a feeling i am going to regret it , but i dont think i should have a real job right now.i am kicking ass in school, getting the best grades i have ever goten and i dont really wnan fuck that up. i want to go back to stevenson so i can be with all the people i can about and not some wannabe criminals who walk like thier hard and then when i shut em' down get chased down the hallls ways screaming fire. damn that girl was huge. any way im kinda sad becuase i havent been seeing to many people this summer. i havent spent the quality time with the people i want to. i have barly seen amanda outside of school when she doesnt sleep over she is with those fuckers from the apparment. and i havent really got to have that sit down with corey, we have so much in common and we never really get to talk about it, were both so busy. things have just been crazy. the good thing is that i am starting to get to know me and my capibilities and possiblities. whcih leads me back to the fact i am going to be wasting them shovling shit and picking weeds. oh and i am seriously thinking about quitting smoking i know you guys have herd it a million times before. but i sadi i am THINKING about it. i hate hte way when i am working out and ran for and hour it feels like i have been running weeks nonstop with out water. and the irony of it all is when i am done working out i grab a bottle of water and go smoke a cig. something is is worng with that picture. i want to lose weight and be pretty and desirable. which at the moment i feel ever so far from. that why when a guy likes me 99.999% of the time he is a complete douche bag who just wants to get laid so say pretty lil words to me and waits a lil bit a TA DAH!! im fucked, no pun internded. any way im done rambling on but i just wont get to talk for a while. but i love you all. and some alil more. ( amanda and corey thats you babes )
XoX
anna banana <3 |
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| WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS COMING FROM!?!?! |
[Jul. 27th, 2005|11:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confuckled | ] |
| [ | music |
| | chronic future | ] |
omg fuck damn this! my head is so messed up, i dont know what the fuck is going on. i have no idea, all i know is that i dont want to think any more. no more thinking on what i feel, its more about that i just feel and dont qustion those feelings. all i know is my heart is drifting from where i has been for so long to a place i never. . . i never thought it would, and now that is is drifting it makes things very complicated. but hey i cant really control that. all i can do is hide it. pretend its not there. i thik that would be best of everyone. becuase what i feel, if i act on it i have sooooooo much to lose. and the again if the turn out was positive could be unthinkable to even me. im just torn so bad that i can hear my heart shatter, but for once its not a bad thing. maybe i should just let go. i have wanted to for so long , then never did. but i can. thats something i never even thought about was the fact that i can let go, it is an option, and i can move on. but then why havent i before now. . . .i used to have an answer for that, but now i can see its all been nothing but a waste of time. but the good thing about time is , you always have more of it at least thats how i look at it. any way. hugs to all.
XoX
anna banana <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|06:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | korn - alone i break | ] |
i feel like my mind is rapped aorund barbed wire. and my heart, meaningless. i havent cried so much in so long and its stupid as hell to. why do i waste my fucking time on someone who. . . i dont even know, or at least i dont any more. it sucks the more i was thiking on it i relized that the person i fell in love with is different to the person i am in love with now, which makes things tricky, plays with the heart. i mean the sad thing is that honestly i could go on forever playing these games, my heart is calloused enough to handle it now and honeslty im not ready for a relationship, not with him. im not where i want to be as a person or in the way i look to be comfortable enough to be wit him, but all i want to know is, does he even care? does he any where in his heat feel for me the way i feel for him. i wsa told by MANY people that shes-my-best-friend-and-i-dont-know-what-i-would-do-if-i-lost-her excuse is just a way of saying "yeah sorry thats not going to happen" with out breakin my heart. i dont know rather to believe it or go on living in ignorence. i rather prefer the ignorence, but to know the truth would be nice. see so i was thinking and i coldnt figure it out, is hes the liar or im the lie. . . .he could never lie to me rigt. i mean if he has any respect for me and our friendship he would tell me the way it is ,the truth knowing the no matter the answer and out come i would still care for him right. . . i mean im not in fuckin elementary school , im not going to be all , "WHAT!!! you dont like me, im never talking to you again" kick you in the shin and run away. i want to be adult about it and seriously talk but see. im not sure hes ready for that. so i sit back with my mouth stitch in a smile so no one knows that its a problem. its not even that its a problem its just i havent ever gotten closure on it. and thats alli want. if he likes me i know leave it at that the balls in his court his move ill wait till hes ready to date ME, i dotn care if he date other people before i just want to knwo he cares, ifdoesnt work out that way i pick up my pieces put myself back together and move the fuck on, but i would still care and be his friend unconditionaly. i dont see why things have to be hidden. i dont underfuckingstand. . . what ever. off to play the skin violin. LOL YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!!! it was a joke,you know lighten the mood of my emo soul.
XoX
anna banana <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2005|09:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | homicidal | ] |
so yeah things could be worse, but they could deffinatly be a lot better. corey you know what im talking about. i wont be seeing him any more. and then i guess me and amanda arent goig to be the same for a while. she came over and spent the night yesterday and i woke up to be pissed off she was there i think i need to take a break from her before i say something i will regret. i am soo pissed off. any way yeah fuck it i cant wait to get out of this fuckin town i will be going to my aunts for the remainder of the summer after this weekend i believe. i will miss a select few. so yeah what evers clever. hope every thing will well for the rest of you. to others. . . .go play with a loaded gun.
XoX
anna banana <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|10:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | SHITTY | ] |
| [ | music |
| | behind these hazel eyes | ] |
ha ha i forgot i had this thing until last night and today. I’m so fucking confused i am always fucking confused I’m so sick of it i really am. and i know this isn’t from the drugs. this is from me not knowing how i feel or what is going on with me. i have had so much shit built up inside me for so long i thought i would seriously snap last night when i got home. i was looking in the mirror and i started to cry and i didn’t have any control over it it just happened i never saw it coming. i don’t understand this shit. i was trying to lose weight this summer and i lost like 20 pounds but no one notices and thats okay because i was doing it for me any way . and i cant lose weight easy because of my P.O.D ( polycystic ovary disease ) I’m not where i want to be. when i was looking in the mirror i felt like i was trapped in some one else’s body. inside i feel beautiful and strong, but the outside is so different from that, at lest to me. seriously i think some times that dreams are how the strong survive. that is all i have to live on is my dreams and i was replying to a comment some one left me today and i realize how many people try to tell me my dreams aren’t valid. and that really pissed me off. who the fuck are they to tell me how to feel and what is right and wrong. “if what i feel is wrong i don’t want to be right”. but see its kinda branded into my head any way that a particular dream i have will never come true, but none the less its mine and fuck your opinion, if it mattered u would have asked for it.. any way to sum every thing up i feel like shit. but hey just as i think i got it figured out the seasons already changing.
XoX
anna banana <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2005|05:28 pm] |
shrink wrap your kiss in plastic love
make my mind up when you return
i don't know whats happened to me these days
but it feels like love in the strangest way
add some family issues and illness and this is my life in a nutshell |
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| please read this all of this. |
[Feb. 26th, 2005|12:51 pm] |
hello all i totaly forgot i had this thing, oh my. well lets see no one reads this soo. yes my man problems are horrible. just when i think i am starting to get over. . . . .hmmmmm lets give him a nick name, jerry, yes well call him jerry. just when i think i am getting over jerry he does something, some thing so cute i or amazing all the feelings i have been trying to get rid of just come running back and tackle me. then hes there alway in my mind, cant even escape him in my sleep- hes there fuckin hauting me. and iwish i didnt mind it, its just i know that things will never be the way they should me between us. then theres the other man, we shall give him a name as well. how about. . . scott. scott thinks its okay to play with my emotions, at least jerry doesnt knoe hes doing it. he holds me when no one else is around and says he cares for me, then in public we barly know eachother. how fuckin rediculous is that. i call him up to ask him a question about god know what and he is all like - i miss you and i need to see you, we need to talk. yessss well that just wonderful and why should i give you the time of day i ask to my self? hmmm so you can break my zombie heart? ass hole. and then there is the new guy. guy number 3 yes another name we shall call him bill. bill is the most apathetic bastard ever in all of gods creation since the begining of time. but heyyyy who cares, you make me laugh and smile and i want you to hold me, but all you want to do is fuck me so - thast no good either. woah - now that i think on it . all these guys they are scared of emotion it makes me fucking sick. it not that hard to feel - I WONT HURT YOU! but it okay if you go on with your lives destroying me along the way if you just look at me every one in a while so i can see your still here and that you know i am . i cant believe i fall for these men. one i have liked for over a year , jerry that is and i could swear he knows - i know he knows i love him i dont just like him out of all the guys i have ever been with or wanted to be with jerry is the one i love like have never loved any one before and he just happens to be one of my best friends.why anna, why do this to your self, dont you know your not good enough for these men? dont you know youdont fit the image of the girl they want by their side and be assosiated with? you arent good enough for them!! get it through you god damn head. i mean i dont know how any other women is good enough because you are amazing in so many way and you dont deserve this shit , but youll take it wont you? i kjnow you will. your so god damn pathetic- get a life.*sigh* why would a girl like me get wraped up in a guy- or the lack of having one. that is a story i wont tell to till your older.FUUUUUUUUUUCK! im leaving my body i wish my mind would just leave my body and inhibit some tree- or some beautiful animal like a wolf or a lioness. being a huma is just to hard. we know to much for our own good and take advantage of our inteligence. its sick and im pretty much done here. i have noi more to say to any of you except this. i love you all of you but somejust a little more than others. and i will never leave ever in my life brian i am talking to you i love you and ill never leave.
always and for ever lost in a dream
anna banana |
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| its not like you care any ways |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|08:52 pm] |
Lost and broken
Hopeless and lonely
Smiling on the outside
Hurt beneath my skin
My eyes are fading
My soul is bleeding
I'll try to make it seem okay
But my faith is wearing thin
So help me heal these wounds
They've been open for way too long
Help me fill this soul
Even though this is not your fault
But I'm open
And I'm bleeding
All over your brand new rug
And I need someone to help me sew them up
And now my mind is an open book
And now my heart is an open wound
And now my life is an open soul for all to see
But help me heal these wounds
They've been open for way too long
Help me fill this soul
Even though this is not your fault
That I'm open and I'm bleeding
All over your brand new rug
And I need someone to help me
So you come along
I push you away
Then kick and scream for you to stay
Cuz I need someone to help me
Oh I need someone to help me
To help me heal these wounds
They've been open for way too long
Help me fill this soul
Even though this is not your fault
That I'm open
And I'm bleeding
All over your brand new rug
And I need someone to help me sew them
I need someone to help me fill them
I need someone to help me close them up
lost in a dream
anna banana |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2004|10:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
BAD BAD BAD DAY, if i had self esteem i lost it today, stupid bitch. i lost my temper to, i knew it would happen eventually - thank god it wasnt to some one i care about.
lost in a dream
anna banana |
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|
| poem |
[Oct. 3rd, 2004|10:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
princess
who could love her face but her mother
who could embrace her her trembling mind, but her brother
she looks just like every other
lost and frozen in her own demise
broken and used through every ones eyes
pleaged with a disease with out a cure
crying with a smile, head down- fighting the future
heart of stone
she made it on her own
with two bleeding hands
and all the worlds demands
she lives in you
reaches out with no responce
every win is another loss
she cant beat the game she wrote
she bit the sword and choked
they tell her they care but can watch her die
tie her noose and pass her by
who could love a damaged good
. . . . . me, i would
heart of stone
she made it on her own
with two bleeding hands
and all the worlds demands
she lives in you
*full works above written by anna maria rohwer*
lost in a dream
anna banana |
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| a new begining |
[Sep. 24th, 2004|06:13 pm] |
ok i have an appolgy to make. i have been so fuckin selfish and ungreatful to certian people and i am so sorry. i was to consumed in wanting something, that i didnt see what i had. i am happy with what i have ,and i am serious. i guess i just needed to know a certian detail for sure. and i found it out today becuase i kicked hannahs ass i cant believe she did what she did, and yes o well i guess it was for my betterment. but i want ALL my friends to know i love them and thank you for being there ,and being my friend. and to a certain person i can live with that (being friends) and i am sorry if any of this has made you uncomfortable, i never wanted that. mwahs to all, i am going out tonight and i have a feeling its going to be great. god oh god im happy . nice. i like this,
lost in a dream
ann banana |
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| royal mind fuck |
[Sep. 23rd, 2004|08:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the used | ] |
stress stress stress!!!! homecoming is in exactly a month from today, so this saturday i am going dress shopping with amanda hannah and emily, which should rock ass, except for the whole dress part- stupid fuckin useless clothing. but o well it will make them happy so i will do it. then on top of it i had to ask a huge favor of a friend of mine to pick me up from the used concert. yea he was a man i hated one of the only ones i truly do and i had to because my dad backed out on me. but its cool my mom doesnt know she still thinks my dad is picking me up and thats my story for her . i cant believe i can be fiends with some one i hate, maybe i hate him because there was a time when i thought i truly loved him, that could be it too. i dont know and i dont really care, hes doing me this favor and i am very greatful. o well i dont want to think about that any more. ok so life is okay at the moment i am still mildly happy. but i have a hole inside myself at the moment. i am so alone. my friends fill that hole as much as they can , but they cant hold me when i need a mans touch. they cant its impossible. its just i have been waiting so long, and i have joel knockin at my dorr and hes a good guy but see my heart. . . .it belongs to some one else, and the more i think about it i dont think he likes the fact that my heart belongs to him ,and i am not even sure he really knows it does. it hard right now. things just seem so much easier when you have that person yeah know, that special some one, but i dont. damn it! stupid anna. its okay things will get better i swear it to myself if they dont on their own, i will just have to . . . . forget and start a new. but see theres the problem. i have already started a new, and i cant forget what is such a big part of me, this guy he just i dunno he measn so much to me and theres no way for me to show him. and if i did. . . . i can i dont know how to do it with out losing him adn our friendship. damn it i am so exhausted, i just spent the last half hour talking to dean try to convince him to go to homecoming and basically succeeded. do you have any idea how life sucking that is- no- only amanda can imagine. ok so now recap on this whole damn entry and how i am feeling, the used concert is going to be my escape- even tho i had to ask the devil for a favor. im lonely and confused.
lost in a dream
anna banana |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 20th, 2004|07:54 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | the used - all that ive got | ] |
i had a revelation. . . .im happy with all i got.
lost in a dream
anna banana |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 20th, 2004|01:51 pm] |
yeah so i had to leave school early today becuase my eye was about to comburst, and i found out i have 2 retnal olcers, YAY! its nothing completely damaging to my vision but my eyes are going to be 2 different colors for about 2 weeks, and ill have 2 small scars on my eye. damn those drops. i have to take these dropes every 15 minutes untill three in the after noon today then every half hour until i go to bed then i have to get up every hour in the middle of the night!! stupid fuckin contacts im going to kill some one! THEY BURN! im not going to work today tho and that rocks my sox for sure. but i have to work tomorrow, i really dont need to i got my check today when i went in to give brent my doctors note, so i have enough money for brian ,corey, and hannahs b day presents and enough to get a lil ahead on my car insurence!! oh yeah i got my confrimation on that today! i get to drive finally!! but i got grounded today becuase i took a thing that stevenson sent to my house and opened it before my parents thinking it was gunna be summin that i didnt want them to see becuase i have been ditching hardcore, and all it was , was a stupid thing giving my GPA and how stevensons systems has errors , no figure. o well life come together and falls apart. its a never ending trail of . . . . i dont even know any more but it works for me, im just really alone and that doesnt but ill live, i always do.
lost in a dream
anna banana |
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